Itachi and Kisame are Dead
by ShivanSlayer
Summary: Rose and Guil, played by yours truly, Itachi and Kisame. Finally, we get to see what they do in-between episodes. This is re-uploaded
1. Chapter 1

**Hello, I've decided to put this back on top of the updated fanfiction stuff!**

**I think this is a pretty intriguing story. Plus, I love making spoofs off of absurdest plays!**

* * *

Two figures appeared out of the mist that blanketed the area. There was nothing of particular interest in the area, a few cliffs, many dead trees, and a simple country road. The terrain itself was gray and boring.

By far, the two figures were perhaps the most interesting feature of the area. One of them appeared to be a very calm and solemn man. His grey-tinted hair was pulled into a ponytail, leaving two thick locks to frame his face. His face was that of an old youngster. So many times, there are boys who are forced to burden the responsibilities of adults. His face sported this burden in the form of two lines under his eyes. His eyes were, by far, the most intriguing feature he had. They were crimson red, and three tomoe surrounded the pupils.

The other man was of greater stature. His skin was that of turquoise, like the great sea. There were several slits under his hungry eyes, one could speculate that these were gills. A large object was strapped onto his back. Whatever was in it, it was wrapped in cloth. The only giveaway for this unique item was a large golden handle that protruded out of the top. One could imagine that it could be a sword.

"Are you sure we are on the right route, Itachi?" The blue man asked.

The one named Itachi stopped, and barely turned his head to answer, "Wherever we are going, I pray it may be the right way".

The blue man paused for a minute to digest the queer answer. He then appeared to be satisfied with Itachi's answer, and moved like a predator along the path.

More hours passed while the two men trotted along the path. The tall man then bent down to pick up something.

"Kisame" Itachi inquired, "what did you find?"

"A coin" Kisame replied, "See? It has two sides, heads and tails, heads and tails"

Kisame looked at the coin as a predator analyzing his prey. He put it on his thumb and flicked upward, casing the coin to accelerate to the heavens, and back down again. Kisame caught it with no effort and revealed his prize.

"Heads" he spoke with a grin.

This process resumed for the remainder of the trip. Itachi heard nothing but the chime of the coin flip, the slap of the hands, and the word "heads" uttered after this process. The men approached an abandoned village.

"Heads!" Kisame laughed for at least the 80th time since they arrived.

"Did you get heads eighty time in a row?" Itachi inquired.

Kisame paused to look for an answer, but his partner proceeded to carry out his analysis of this anomaly.

"I cannot begin to grasp the concept of a coin landing on heads for eighty time in a row. The probability for such a feat is practically one-half to the eightieth power. This either means one of two things. A higher being is toying with you for your amusement, or you have quite a consistent flick and catch"

Kisame gave a look of confusion from this outburst and replied, "Hah! Itachi, overanalyzing things as usual. There are only two constants in the world, the predator, and the prey. Be thankful you are the predator."

"Predators compete with each other for the prey," Itachi countered, "There was a time I was the prey. Does being a predator mean you are evil?"

"Yes! We are terrible men! Remember when you encountered your brother for the second time! I nearly shed tears for the little boy!"

Itachi paused, as if something were bothering him, he then began to move along the road.

"Where does this road take us, Itachi?" Kisame asked.

"It will lead us where we need to be, at the right time"

"I wanted to get in on some action! I'm tired of waiting!"

"Waiting is the only thing we know now, when leader assigns us somewhere, there will be action, we best be prepared for it."

* * *

The two then came across a traveling caravan. The men were possibly the most peculiar they've ever seen. They were dressed in flashy costumes, dancing and laughing. One of the members, possibly the leader, marched up to the men with a sort of swagger, and announced "Greetings ye good travelers, we are the players of whatever-the-hell-you-want, we provide-"

A blue hand grabbed the man's neck, and lifted him up to a shark-like face.

"Itachi" Kisame interrupted, "might it be best that I toy with this caravan a bit? I haven't seen action in days."

"Kisame" Itachi sternly replied, "We are not here to make a scene."

"Oh ye have made a scene alright!" the player butted in, apparently not disturbed at all by Kisame's choke-grip, "Ye walking around with your mysterious swagger, not a worry in the world, nice nails by the way."

Kisame released the man, along with something along the lines of "you intrigue me". The man kept elaborating on both akatsukis' patterned cloaks and colored nails, and inquiring if they were queer or not.

"This one is really starting to get on my nerves," Kisame grimaced, "please Itachi, just one life, his friends don't seem to have a care at all about him." The old player, in response to this, grinned at his friends who were busy with a drinking game, apparently not frightened of Kisame's aggressive actions.

"They're not worried about me!" the player proclaimed, "I'm gonna die anyway! And so are you! Say, we players do sell death pretty well!" Itachi and Kisame were shocked with the speed of his subject change but they had no time when the player turned 'round and yelled "Maxi! Play dead"

The boy named "Maxi" began making gagging noises before lying down motionless on the dreary terrain.

"See?" the player said, "We sell some pretty good death! But that's not all! We could sell you violence! Tragedy! Romance! Dancing! Fistfights! Rapiers! Rape! Or a combination!" After each one he listed, the actors responded by imitating what the player described. Itachi grimaced when he saw their depiction of "rape." Apparently, all the players were men.

Kisame, meanwhile, lightened up in his mood after seeing the players' various ... performances. "More!" Kisame demanded, "More! This is a refreshing alternative to shredding you all!"

"Ahh yes" the player responded, a lot more melancholy, "Ahh yes, there is just a wee fee you'll have to pay in order for you to see our perfomance"

"One problem" Kisame responded, apparently discouraged by this new discovery, "I'm not willing to pay any fee."

"How 'bout that neat little coin there? Say, we'll gamble for it! We'll pick the side we think it'll land on!"

"Alright" Kisame said, preparing the coin, "what side will you take?"

"Heads!" the player shouted, Kisame, after hearing this, sported a look of defeat and promptly put the coin away.

Itachi finally decided to put a stop to this and intervened with "what is the point of all this? You men have wasted our time long enough."

"We don't waste time!" the player protested, "we act out life! Life is nothin' but a stage. God is the director, and we're the actors! Play yer part right and ye go to heaven!"

"Sorry" Kisame replied, "I'm an athiest"

"Well, then you'll ain't have much fun in life. In life, we need stage directions, or else, it ain't worth living!"

"Well, my purpose is to better myself in my shinobi techniques," Kisame answered.

The player turned abruptly away from Kisame and turned to Itachi, "so" he inquired, "what script to you follow?"

Itachi opened his mouth, then paused, closed his mouth, and walked into the distance.

Kisame looked at Itachi, then the player, and said "Sorry, I've got to get going."

* * *

The caravan was left behind in the gray dust. Ahead, the two men could see greener pastures.

"We've got an assignment from leader" Itachi said, stating it as a matter-of-fact "the Kyuubi and his squadmates are en route to one of our hideouts."

"Ohh, he decided to give himself to us?" Kisame replied with his typical predator look.

"The leaf ninja are in pusuit of the Ichibi, who leader said that we are needed for the extraction. We are also assigned to keep the leaf ninja away while the extraction takes place."

Kisame smiled, a fight was coming, and he was going to be prepared for it.

Itachi, reading Kisame's face, interjected, "We are going to use puppets to stop the shinobi, it is too risky to enter battle ourselves while we are extracting."

Kisame's face fell, after a moment, he inquired, "Itachi, does the future bode well for us? Can we redeem ourselves in the eyes of the world?"

Itachi replied "are we going north? That is merely a direction made by us humans for our convenience. We walk the path that we are convicted to walk on, despite the fact that to others, we are walking the wrong path, but this shapes our reality."

"So, am I dreaming?" Kisame asked. Itachi merely looked at him, and gave him a rare smile. They were running short on time. The stage directions required that Itachi and Kisame be communicating with their leader. The two figures strode through the distance, off to fulfill their dreams and goals.

Tails


	2. Chapter 2

I've decided to make this a two-shot instead. This was just floating in my head

* * *

**Setting, a large stone arena, ready for battle.**

Two men were currently facing down each other in this arena, weapons ready. However, they did not wield physical weapons that inflicted bodily harm. They harnessed an entirely different set of weapons.

"What's that you're wearing?" the first man asked. This distinguishing feature was his turquoise skin and gill-like formations on the side of his face.

"Why does it concern you?" the shorter and less brutish man with the crimson eyes replied.

"Where did you get those funny lines from?" the fish man responded.

"Why is your skin blue?"

"It's not blue! It's turquoise!"

"Penalty," his opponent interrupted, "Exclamations are invalid. This is a game of questions."

The fish-man huffed as he responded, "Itachi, I was just correcting you! That comment was made out of play!"

"The rules were still in effect, you should have corrected me in form of a question."

The fish-man did not respond, but sported a look of defeat. He immediately reached into the depths of his slightly feminine red-cloud robes. They symbolized his membership to an organization. Well, symbolizing was the only worth of those robes.

Out of the depths of these robes, he held a small gold coin. He threw the coin up in the air and casually caught it. His already downtrodden expression became even more so when he saw the result.

"Tails!" he exclaimed.

The man then proceeded to sit down.

Itachi followed this behavior promptly. He too reached into the depths of his robes. Out from it emerged a capsule from which he quickly and silently consumed.

"Nothing to be done," Kisame stated in a manner that matched his comment.

"Invalid," Itachi simply stated, "We are to reference one work only."

At this comment, Kisame gave Itachi a quizzical look. He looked at the coin. The streak was finally broken, so all interest was lost in it.

"I'm serious Itachi," he continued, "I need to see some action. We've been waiting on Sasuke for ages."

"Waiting for Sasuke," Itachi replied. He smiled. "You're wading into dangerous territory Kisame. The directions were to reference only one work only."

"What do those even mean?" Kisame asked.

"Stage directions," Itachi replied.

"Oh!" Kisame smiled as he exclaimed, "You were thinking back to what those stage actors were getting on."

Kisame shifted as he continued his comments, "They are merely actors. They are out of touch with reality. They're philosophy has no physical evidence. Therefore it is merely an illusion."

"What is reality, what is an illusion?" Itachi inquired.

"Itachi! Do not be doing this right now!"

Silence resounded through the cold stone walls. The sound of death was creeping ever closer to the stronghold, but both men were prepared for it.

"Let's pass time with an argument," Itachi suddenly stated.

"What good will that do?" Kisame asked.

"Arguments broaden the mind."

"They lead to pointless squabble, action is a better way to solve a disagreement."

"Fighting is best when used as a last resort, otherwise it causes useless trouble."

"No it doesn't"

"Yes it does,"

"You're wrong,"

"Only because you say so,"

"No,"

"No?"

"No"

"Kisame, you are not making an argument, now you are just contradicting me. This argument is getting pointless, and you are once again skirting into dangerous territory."

"I'm not skirting into dangerous territory"

"You indeed are,"

"No, I'm not"

"Prove it,"

At this Kisame paused, as Itachi's comment had his mind caught for a minute. However, he regained his confidence and:

"No I won't"

"This is not an argument"

"Yes it is,"

"No, you are merely contradicting me,"

"Then what is an argument?"

"An argument is a discussion of differing viewpoints."

"Well, I'm doing that,"

"No you're just opposing everything I say,"

"Well, what do I need to make this an argument?"

"You need a claim, and then you need verbal evidence to support your claim, got it?"

"Okay, I claim there is no God,"

"Couldn't we start with a different argument?"

"No,"

"Not this again, okay, I'll take you up on this,"

"There is no physical evidence to support his existance"

"That's because he isn't a physical being"

"Well, if the guy wanted us to notice him, he should have done something."

"He has, we just haven't paid good enough attention"

"Then he should have tried harder."

"What, you expect us to be babied to enlightenment?"

"Yes."

"He made us to accomplish things with his help, not sit around and expect to receive something."

"The world would be a lot better if he had."

"And where is your evidence for that?"

"Oh! You're suddenly asking me for evidence?"

At this comment, both men had collapsed from their standing positions, because apparently, at some point during this long tedious phase, they had stood to make their points.

In addition, both were breathing heavily. Itachi was the first to speak.

"I guess that turned out to be a good argument we had."

"I can't say the same," Kisame replied, "I expect to be compensated,"

An alarm from somewhere started. The stage had called for the two Akasuki members once more.

"Kisame," Itachi reminded, "make sure only Sasuke comes."

"Are you sure you want my help?"

"This is a family issue, it must be resolved by only between us. I must make amends for the mistakes I have made in the past. Then I can die with no regrets."

Kisame looked back at Itachi as he struggled to the empty stone chair at the back of the room.

"Are you sure you can win?"

Itachi merely smiled back; "No,"

Kisame merely nodded, and flashed a smile of his own, showing his sharp predatory teeth. This might have been the last time he would see his comrade again. He should not mourn. The world would still be turning without him. And then the world itself would meet it's time. As he emerged from the dark halls, he saw the winding pathway, and on the pathway, the wagon of stage actors the pair had met earlier in their travels. Both exchanged acknowledgements of the others' existence, then they were off.

Kisame once again was unsure of the future. He could not shape it, and it frustrated him so. However, he would follow where it would lead him. All he knew was he had one day more.

The air vibrated with the joys, sufferings, tragedies and victories of the world. Kisame shouted out:  
"Do you hear the people sing?"


End file.
